Some Babies Arrive on Rainbows

I am a doula (pronounced doo-la).  People hire me to attend their births with them to provide labor support, and ease them through their labor.  I have to admit it’s a pretty rewarding job, if not taxing, not only on myself but also on my family.  But it’s a wonderful gift to be honored to be asked to be at the beginning of a life, just as it would be to be at the end of one.  The following is a birth story that I wrote for a birth family who had touched me profoundly.  And while the title of my blog, “Lessons I Learned When I Wasn’t Looking” may or may not seem to fit this story, to me it was one of the most beautiful lessons I’ve had the honor of being a part of.  I’ve omitted the names for privacy sake, but you don’t need names to understand the story.  Please enjoy.

“Dear Wondrous New Soul,

I have to tell you about the extraordinary way you made your entrance into this Big Blue World!  Your birth was unforgettable to many and humbling to those helped welcome you into it.

I met your Mommy and Daddy in early December when they asked me to be their doula for your birth.  I am constantly honored and humbled every day to be a part of this intimate time in a family’s life when they have the joy of welcoming a new soul into the World.

The night you were born I was honored once more to witness your arrival into the arms of your Mommy and Daddy who already had their share of sorrow.  You see you are a “Rainbow Baby” and that makes you even more special than everyone already knows you are.  To be a “Rainbow Baby” means that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears in the sky, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its sadness and aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds…and that light is you.  Storm clouds may still hover but a “Rainbow Baby” provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.”

Your Mommy and Daddy had very definitive plans about how you were to come into the world, celebrating your birth in a lovely, warm homey birthing suite at (the) hospital, surrounded by goodness and love and Birth Goddess energy.  What Life teaches us, is that sometimes we don’t see the whole picture, and we can’t begin to imagine how extraordinary and amazing the birth of a child can be until we see it unfold on its OWN TERMS, that is to say, “out of our control.”

Your due date was in the middle of the month, but two weeks early, at 9:37pm your Mommy called me to tell me that labor had started and her contractions had started.  Knowing that you may choose to come quickly, I jumped in my car and got to your Mommy within 8 minutes.  Her contractions were closer together now and I knew that we didn’t have a lot of time.  I followed her around the house, to the bedroom, the bathroom and from room to room, as she bent over, concentrated on her breathing, trying to relax and all the while getting last minute things in order before we left for the hospital.  Your older sister’s babysitter arrived and your Mommy walked very quickly and deliberately to the car so we could dash off to the hospital.

The drive to the hospital took about 30 minutes, all the while you were quickly getting ready to make your grand entrance.  Your Daddy pulled up into the ambulance bay of the Emergency Room of the hospital and your Mommy only had time to get out of the car before she had the overwhelming urge to PUSH YOU OUT RIGHT THERE!  Orderlies, nurses, ER doctors, and well-meaning bystanders all crowded around her as she held tight to a wheel chair and announced to all of us that you were coming RIGHT THEN!  Being born in the serene calmness of a birthing room at the hospital Birthing Center just didn’t seem to be on your agenda.  I worked my way through the crowd and knelt down as close to your Mommy as I possibly could trying to keep her calm and focused on the work that you and her body were doing.  Because everyone was so focused on making your arrival safe onto a soft nest of blankets and towels on the ground, no one had the clarity to announce your actual time of birth…no one even looked at their watches!  You literally came into the world on a make-shift bed of blankets, but your Mommy kept an ever watchful eye and a hand on you at all times!  She was adamant that you were safe and all she said over and over was “is she okay?” and “I want to hold my baby!”

Once you were born you and your Mommy were wheeled into the Emergency Room so that you could be quickly checked out and then FINALLY make your way to the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital. By the time you and your Mommy were admitted into the hospital system it was about 45 minutes after your birth, and that was the only time that they could record your time of birth.  We were all adamant that we needed to know your exact time of birth so the only way to know for sure was to see if there was any security tape footage of the outside of the building which perhaps caught your birth on tape!  (I TOLD you this was an EXTRAORDINARY story).

Around midnight, I left you in and your Mommy and Daddy and headed to talk to the Security Office to see if we could put some of the pieces together.  I found the head security officer on duty, and together we scoured video footage of the hospital emergency entrance for about 45 minutes.  While we weren’t able to see your birth, because the camera was continually panning the area, we were able to narrow down the times of your possible birth to between 10:29pm and 10:40pm.  Phil took copious notes as we watched the footage, frame by freeze frame, in reverse and forward, we were VERY determined!  We were finally able to announce that your actual time of birth was 10:37 and 38 seconds, give or take 30 seconds, but WE GOT IT!  You officially announced your arrival into the world on very much your own terms, born perfectly healthy and crying, at 10:37pm just outside the Emergency Room doors of the Hospital!

Your Mommy did a beautiful job and fought hard to finally meet you for the first time.  You were so beautiful with dark hair and full rosy lips.  My beautiful wondrous soul, you are so fortunate to be loved by so many, and cared for by the most amazing parents.  I don’t often get to see a commitment this strong from a parent to their child, and I’m fortunate and a better person for seeing it in your Mommy and Daddy.

I am very honored to be a part of your very special, very precious birth.

With so much Love and Light,

Your doula.

It’s Not About the Destination…It’s About the Journey

It has been my experience that sometimes the most profound lessons are taught in the simplest of terms. Vacations come few and far between for my son and I. Getting by on a single-parent’s salary can be difficult at best – so I always tried to do what I could to find the money to do little “getaways.” A few years back when I was working at a radio station I was lucky enough to snag some tickets to both Disneyland and Universal Studios in Hollywood. I was ecstatic! I busily started planning the perfect vacation for myself and my son who was 10 at the time. He was studying California history in school at the time, and chose to do his classroom project on the La Brea Tar Pits. “Perfect” I thought….we’ll just cram it all into 2 days and I will be the PERFECT PARENT!!! ” As you can probably guess, nothing went as planned. We drove up from San Diego and arrived at the Tar Pits about 3 hours behind schedule according to my tight itinerary so the perfect picnic lunch that I had envisioned turned into fast food burgers and a quick stroll around the grounds. Off to Universal Studios – we lost a little bit of time but we could still make a day of it. That was until I missed the exit in Hollywood and got us lost somewhere in Beverly Hills. I was completely distracted in my own thoughts and frustration, while my son was just chatting away about nothing really important (to me at the time anyway). By the time we arrived at Universal Studios it was close to three o’clock in the afternoon. That would have been somewhat okay, except that the park closed at five o’clock that day. So there we sat on a Friday afternoon facing dead-on the peak of LA traffic, and no time to spend any quality time in the park. I was completely certain that I was a terrible parent and ruined the entire trip. I was frustrated, irritated, and not looking forward to the lines of traffic that I was about to encounter. My son on the other hand was humming to himself, making up songs and knock knock jokes for my enjoyment. When I asked him what could he possibly be so happy about, considering that our day was completely ruined, he just looked at me with this blank stare and said, “Mom…this was the best day EVER! We got to talk and hang out and you NEVER LET ME EAT FAST FOOD…EVER!!! Mom…you even got us lost in Hollywood and Beverly Hills…that was the COOLEST! ” And then he came back with the most poignant statement that made me laugh and cry at the same time. “It’s not about the destination Mom…it was all about the journey.” It was at that moment that I realized the crucial lesson in parenting that I almost missed…perfection is boring. Don’t get so lost in seeking the end destination that you loose sight of the journey along the way. Have fun with your children…don’t just clean the mud and dirt off of them…play in it WITH THEM! My son didn’t care about where we were going…just that we were going there together. I vowed to never forget that lesson ever again. Kimberly Bianco

http://www.pregnatique.com

What I Learned From Coloring…

The first time I realized the profoundness of the art of coloring was when my son was about 6 years old. My son and I were coloring in his favorite coloring book and he seemed to notice that I was a little distracted and sad. When I told him that I was just having an “off day” and that things just seemed a little out of sorts he very “matter-of-factly” told me what I needed to do to straighten out my life. He likened my situation to a puzzle – the kind that have about 20 pieces which he would spread out on the floor while trying to make the pieces fit. He told me that my life was much like these puzzles of his. That if the pieces are in the wrong order, no matter how much you try to make them fit…they just won’t. He said, “Mom, life is a lot like that, don’t you think?” How can you argue with logic like that? While we were sat there coloring – me aghast that I seemed to be raising a junior Dr. Phil, he looked up at me and said, “Mom…life is alot like coloring. You’re trying to color all over the page. You just need to keep it in the lines. Just do that Mom…color in the lines.” Sometimes I like to make life interesting and I will color outside the lines…and all over the page – that’s what keeps us going. But I have learned through the wisdom of youth, that there is great insight to be found in getting down onto the floor with your child and seeing the world through their eyes. You may just be amazed at what you’re missing. Namaste. Kimberly

http://www.pregnatique.com

BIRTH…It’s NOT a spectator sport!

As a  Childbirth Educator for the past 9 years I’ve never had a dad come through my doors that I wasn’t proud of.  Now with the release of “The Business of Being Born,” it seems like it’s more acceptable – more mainstream than ever for men to be present not only in the delivery room but throughout the whole pregnancy experience.  If the men out there are reading this post, then that probably means that you are NOT one of the hundred’s of fathers who choose to take a sideline seat to the birth of your child.  Gentlemen, it is not only your right but your responsibility to be there in labor for your partner.  This is bigger than the both of you…this is about your family.  Protect and honor their process childbirth…be a witness to it and realize that you are the one who your partner is counting on to be present. The attached is a great article on the beauty of childbirth, as told by a very involved Bradley Dad, “Labor Union:  The Story of a Bradley Dad.”

Happy BIRTHday…and thank you!

Not the Life I Planned for Myself

Thirty years old, divorced and single-mother of my 10-month old son – this was not the parenthood I envisioned for myself.

If your a single parent, either by choice or by circumstances, consider this.  The average single parent probably looks a lot more like you than you think.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau in August, 2007, there are approximately 13.6 million single parents in the United States today, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.2 million children (approximately 26% of children under 21 in the U.S. today).

• Approximately 84% of custodial parents are mothers, and
• 16% of custodial parents are fathers
• 79% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed
• 92% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed

As a parent, it is pinnacle that you take care of yourself…and even more important when you are a single-parent.  Being the “on-call” parent 24/7 takes it’s toll, and if you don’t refill your tank, it won’t take long before you are running on empty.  Having to make decisions on your own, being the bread winner and homemaker, will cause you call upon resources you may not have realized you had.  Learning some of these practical single parenting rule will help you persevere during the most challenging days ahead and gain a renewed sense of hope and personal strength:

Rule #1.  Develop a Support Network.  Ever heard the expression, “It takes a village to raise a child?”  I’m guessing that phrase was coined by a very insightful single-parent.

Rule #2.  Make Time for Yourself.  This rule must never be broken!This is not a luxury, this is a necessity.  Take time to be accountable to no one but yourself.  Take up yoga, a hobby, or just sit and “be.”  You can’t afford not to.

Rule #3. Create Your Own “Creative Parenting Style.”  Guess what?  This is not your mother’s parenting style!  Make  your own rules…find out what works for you and your family, and just do it.  Don’t struggle to fit your round life into a square hole…your child has no expectations of you except for you to love them.  End of story.

Rule #4.  Be Present With Your Child.  Don’t be so tied up with “getting by” that you let life pass you by.  Your child is only a child once, and for a very short time.  Pay very close attention to the life lessons that you are teaching your child by your actions. Everyday matters…so make it count.

Rule #5.  Be Gentle With Yourself.  You are stronger than you know, and are capable of more than you ever dreamed.  But it’s okay to get angry about your situation at times, even if it’s by your own choice.  A friend of mine told me the other day, “living life is like catching a wave” – you can choose a different path every day – a different way of looking at it. But it’s there waiting for you the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that.”

Rule #6.  Focus on the Positive.  Because of the proximity of my son’s father, he only visits with him about two weeks a year.  Don’t look at being a single-parent in the negative, no one there to share the excitement.  You get to be the “hero” ALL THE TIME!  The bond that a single-parent has with their child is unparalleled.  Everyday you are showing by example, the value of hard work.   Every time you say “no” you are teaching your child the difference between “wants” vs. “needs.  Every time you kiss your child you are teaching them the meaning of unconditional love and that they should never settle for less.

Being a single parent was never the life I planned for myself or my son…but it’s the perfect life for us and I wouldn’t change one single day of it.

References:

United States. Census Department. Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2005. By Timothy S. Grall. Census, 2007. 17 Mar. 2008 [http://www.census.gov/prod/2007pubs/p60-234.pdf].

 

Childbirth Preparations Method: The Bradley Method

Childbirth Preparations Method: The Bradley Method

The Bradley Method. By using this simple and effective technique, couples are taught how to effectively work with their bodies to achieve a successful natural childbirth experience. So, what are the main principles behind The Bradley Method? How does it differ from other childbirth preparation methods? And what can you expect if you sign up for a class?

Kimberly began her unconventional journey into nurturing families back in 1996 with the birth of her first son. She studied the Bradley Natural Method of Childbirth and had the most incredible, beautiful birth experience imaginable. Faced with being a single parent when her son was still an infant, she decided to become a Bradley Instructor so that she could do something she strongly believed in and help others have a positive birth experience as well. Since that time, Kimberly has expanded her services and skill set, by becoming a prenatal massage therapist and birth doula, specializing in aromatherapy in order to help the laboring mother and her birth team through her pregnancy and labor process.